"I talk about love, forgiveness, social justice, I rage against American materialism in the name of altruism, but have I even controlled my own heart? The overwhelming majority of time I spend thinking about myself, pleasing myself, reassuring myself, and when I am done there is nothing to spare for the needy. 6 billion people live in the world, and I can only muster thoughts for one. Me."
I just came back from my semester abroad in China. Back to comfort. Back to reality. Back to life in good 'ol STL. When brought up in conversation how my time was in china, the explanations became hazy and quite unclear. You see, the imprint of the experience was absolutely breathtaking. Though, sadly, every intricate detail of growth and what I learned, often gets passed by in conversation just to give way to the usual excitement of pleasurably details, the details others crave to hear about. Not about me and what I learned. Not about the hardships for the Chinese people. Not about the government or the education system there. Just details about what is there, what funny stories to tell, what exciting places to visit. Just for those details to be soon forgotten... giving way to ignorance.
What did I learn that made China so great for me? What did I experience that made China a word that brings fuzzy feelings of warmth to my soul? Lots of things. but that is not the purpose of this blog, and the beginning of this blog. The thing is, it doesn't matter what you've learned. Head knowledge disappears like fog in the morning that disappears so quickly to clear, bright skies in the afternoon. Isn't that how all things work? You learn something, then as quick as you've digested it, and perhaps feel convicted, the feelings gone. I think about the anatomy class I took last semester, a class of hell. It was so hard, memorizing every bone, every muscle, every innervation, suture, or fissure. Look at me now? I can't even name the main bone in my leg. What I'm saying is, none of it matters unless there is change. unless there is action and a plan for growth. application.
Since coming back, I wanted to change myself. I wanted to take time off from the million clubs and extracurriculars i've managed to take on, (its not high school tricia!) reevaluate friendships, and figure out, who I was again. Before, I was happy and thought I'd already self-identified who I was and where I stand. Now, I wanted a change. A new me.
Time is a dangerous thing. You let time get in the way of your thoughts and concrete things replace abstract thinking. I've conformed back to doing what I was doing and that made me sad becuase I let time get in the way of making a plan of action. Still, I've realized I can't change me. I can't be a different person from the person I was made. What I can do is change my thinking and action in the things I am involved in and the things I enjoy doing.
