Linda.

For those who don't remember, Linda is someone I spoke of 2 posts ago. I met her at Karen House, a Catholic Worker house of hospitality for homeless women and children in North St. Louis. We hit it off when our conversation went beyond superficiality (if that is a word?) and we talked about deeper stuff like her life story, her views on church and other spiritual issues (if you know me well, you probably are nodding your head and saying "ahhh.. right. makes sense" as anyone who is willing to strike up a conversation about God can capture my heart and attention for hours). Anyhow, since my last post about how we got reconnected again, I actually wrote a little bit about her in an essay portion of the application for the American Physical Therapy Association Minority Scholarship. I wrote about the realization that through her and as I continued to meet more individuals who were from the same difficult circumstance within the homeless population that society treated as insignificant I found that everyone needed the same love and care that I take for granted at times. I wrote about how there was a real need that existed in these underserved communities. When I was able to show her love by calling her often just to tell her I cared for her and valued her as a person, it broke through her negative attitudes about life and changed her bitterness in viewing the world as an ugly place. I’ve seen this same evidence of joy amidst brokenness as I’ve served in working and volunteering with other ministries. I’ve learned that anyone that has gone through grief or tragedy deserves love and can be blessed by genuine friendship which can bring hope into a hopeless situation. Anyhow, long story short, crazily enough with so many great candidates in this country, some freakin nobody won the scholarship.

Through the scholarship, I vowed that I would give a portion of the money back to God in a tangible way where if the APTA liked the fact I was so involved in these types of minority type ministries, and since I did them all for God, then I must return the money to the very reason why I won the scholarship. So I have been figuring out ways in which I could tangibly give back to those in need and see the money make a difference directly. Actually this is a very PERSONAL thing to share about, but I hope to believe there is greater benefit in sharing this because maybe you can relate. Linda actually gave me my first idea of how I could use my money. I had told her that I wanted to go back to Karen house and serve again, but my schedule was so crazy and it sucks how I couldn't make the time to help out. She told me that a way I can still serve is to donate toilet paper-that many people don't realize how much toilet paper is a necessity that often gets overlooked as important but it can be expensive and with so many people in the house, it can be used up quick. So, I went to Costco and I bought lots of toilet paper and was able to drop it off at Karen House! Dunno if it really made a difference as I could've donated more rolls, but satisfying in a way knowing that the paper at least will be used! Anyhow, I've been praying to see what is the best way to give with the rest of the money, and today I actually met up with Linda. It has been about 2+ years since seeing her (all of our conversations have been on the phone), and I was able to sit down and talk with her. I gave her my bible to keep because I wasn't sure she had one, and I gave her a wal-mart gift card. Before you go into thinking I'm some righteous human being who is tooting my horn at how righteous I am, I'm writing this so I can understand all this fully and the perplexities of why I am NOT or can't be a righteous person and let you see why I am the actual opposite of that fact.

Throughout our whole conversation, I was thinking many things. 1) Is she really in the right mind-she kinda is just repeating the same things over and over, does she have dementia/alzheimers? Can I trust her? I am about to give her a gift card of a large sum of money, am I crazy? I don't even know her! Will she take advantage of me? Why did she get kicked out of Karen house? Is she telling me the truth? 2) Here I am, just listening for hours to just her talking. I want to tell her about God, Jesus and the gospel but I need to find the right timing to interupt her or tell her these things without sounding like a complete idiot. It's like.. oh your life blows? Your husband has passed away, you have no more friends or friends, a small apartment you can't afford, ppl abusing you, and I just helped you for a few hours trying to read your mail and browse the internet at the public library for free coupons/ways to get food for free and here I am telling you to trust in God, he loves you when this world is so MESSED UP. UH, are you serious?!?! If I heard those words after I told you about how my life blows, I would laugh crudely and say, What does that have to do with anything?! How can he really care? What does that mean for me?! He can't give me family back, friends, take away the pain or hurt and... I wouldn't know what to say. 3) I'm feeling quite tired! I've just spent the last weeks catching up with people, one-on ones, and it's great but exhausting at the same time trying to meet up with everyone with my seemingly free time. I'm staring at my watch, feeling "pressed for time" when in actuality, I could spend all night with her, listening to her, enjoying our time together. Instead, my thoughts, "when is the bachelor pad on (DONT JUDGE)? I'm missing it?" I'm sure hungry for dinner." Fighting with myself, telling myself it's worth it, and worth my time.

It's so disheartening, to know my intentions are pure, sure! Yet, how sinful, how DISGUSTING my heart is while you do what externally seems like a "pure" heart and a good samaritain act. It's just SO RUBISH and I get so SO SO angry/depressed at myself! It's like a fight within me. A part of me commends me for doing a "righteous deed" while my other side tells me I'm such a hypocrite and have an evil heart for thinking these thoughts. It's like, my desire is to serve God, serve him and others and love people, GENUINELY. Yet, how can I do that.. and even consider my life calling.. or wish my future to be a "missionary to China" when I can't even give a few hours to someone when I'm unemployed currently and have the TIME to give??! It's despicable of me to think I want my future to revolve around that, when my short term practical way of living it aloud now, is failing so miserably.

Can you relate? Do you think we can serve wholeheartedly or does service really just revolve around ourselves? I write these things with no resolvement and with a heavy heart. Usually I love ending my blogs in "happy endings" and ways in which we can change, but I sort of feel hopeless and wonder if really, a small change does make a difference or can change the world. I've been reading this book called "Mountains beyond Mountains" a borrowed book from my previous professor that talks about this doctor and his experience with working in Haiti. I also am still an avid reader of my favorite book "irrisitible revolution" and I dream of myself actually TAKING ACTION and becoming this crazy ordinary radical who can make a difference in profound ways. Yet, I wonder if could kill this selfish heart and really unselfishly give to others. Even when I was in Haiti, others would hear of the great work we were doing, but unshamingly enough, I confess few times I wanted to just go home and avoid the hot sun, the cold showers, the rain, the smell coming off our bodies/clothes, and the bugs all over the place and go back to the comfort bubble of an expected schedule (and we were only gone for 3 weeks!). How awful to share that and yet refreshing to be brutally honest in this fake makeup we constantly wear to hid our true selves huh?

So I could come up with a practical idea for change but the truth is the conclusion of the matter is that, I am a broken human being. As christians, we are called hypocrites ALL the time becuase we live a life OPPOSITE of what people think we should be: perfect or holy. Yes, the opposite is true, I am just as messed up as the murderer on the news or the rapist, thief, or the dirty politician. There is no standard-we are such SINFUL beings without us realizing it to its fullest potential. So is there hope for me? for you? Yes, I believe there is a Savior.

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! Romans 7:15-25